To Annie, please: I hope you have some advice for me because I like reading it.
People have always turned to me for help with their issues. I’ve been informed that I listen well, maybe as a result of my own therapy experience. I frequently recommend AA or treatment to others, particularly when addiction is at play.
I was raised in a violent, alcoholic household and have witnessed the devastation of lives caused by alcohol: friends who have passed away, a man who killed his girlfriend while intoxicated, and the spouse of my closest friend who was killed by a drunk driver. I dislike hearing more stories like these because I’ve worked hard to put those memories behind me.
Because of everything I’ve been through, I always tell people that I don’t enjoy drinking in the hopes that they will take that as a barrier. However, a lot of people still vent to me about their pain from drinking.
I no longer want to play the role of the listener. My friends are aware that I’m also taking care of a husband who has dementia, but they frequently want to spend hours discussing their own problems. I rarely receive the same level of comfort or compassion in return—just more help demands.
The next time that same insecure person wants me to hear another story about how drinking is wrecking their life, what should I say? — Pulled Down by Alcohol
To Dragged Down, You have been a kind and understanding friend who has not only listened to others but also directed them to appropriate resources. At this point, you must help yourself.
You’ve made an effort to establish boundaries, but your friends keep stepping over them. Tell them politely but firmly that I’ve had major alcohol problems in the past and that I’ve worked hard to get to where I am now the next time someone attempts to offload their baggage. I can’t have these kinds of conversations and switch the subject, even though I love and support you.
You have already done your fair share of listening, and you owe no one any further explanation. It’s time to pay attention to what you need in order to keep healing.
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How Can My Partner Who Cheated Be Forgiven? is currently available! Both print and e-book versions of Annie Lane’s second anthology, which includes her favorite pieces on marriage, adultery, communication, and reconciliation, are available. For additional information, go to Creators Publishing. For Annie Lane, send inquiries to [email protected].
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