To Annie, please:About eight months after losing his first wife of twenty years, I met my husband three years ago. She was extremely abusive to him, and their marriage was frequently poisonous. He was prepared to move on once she died.
I knew immediately away that my hubby was having problems. He was in his mid-fifties, experiencing mental health problems, regular falls, and short-term memory problems. Upon seeing his physician and registering with the Veterans Affairs healthcare system, we learned that he had sustained several traumatic brain injuries while serving in the Army. He was able to get the care he required for a higher quality of life after receiving that diagnosis, which made him a 100% service-connected disabled veteran.
However, his family launched an offensive against me for assisting him, claiming that I had brainwashed and manipulated him. We are no longer on speaking terms because my spouse has cut off contact with them. Since he endured decades of suffering without their assistance or support, my spouse is quite angry with them.
His parents are elderly and in terrible health; they reside in a different state. I worry that he will be angry with me if we can’t make amends before they die. This has been a difficult journey, and I adore my hubby. All I want for him is the best, without conditions. Any suggestions? — The Defensive Wife
On the defensive, dear wife: Your husband has benefited much from your support. You helped him seek the attention he so obviously needed after realizing how much he was suffering. Being a spouse through good times and bad, in health and illness, is not brainwashing.
It’s reasonable to be concerned that he could later regret severing his relationship with his parents, but you shouldn’t or can’t compel them to reconcile. Your husband has the final say in that matter. Support him gently if he ever shows an interest in getting in touch with them again. If not, have faith that he has accepted that decision and is aware of what is best for him, despite the pain.
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