CLEVELAND, Ohio – Questions we should ask ourselves:
1. Whose apology am I waiting for?
Many of us want someone in our life to apologize for something. It could be a parent, a sibling, a family member or a friend. We can fall into the trap of thinking, “If this person just apologizes, it will be OK.”
But is that true? Will it really be OK? If someone has been a lousy parent or spouse, will the apology change any of that – especially if that person has no intention of changing their behavior?
More Faith & You by Terry Pluto
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A message to ministers: Find God at work beyond the pulpit – Terry Pluto’s Faith & You
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Taking away keys? Disabled the car? Call police? Help! – Terry Pluto’s Faith & You
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Being ‘the bad guy’ & taking away car keys – Terry Pluto’s Faith & You
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For many, these stories will make you call Dad — Terry Pluto’s Faith & You
Some of us are waiting for an apology from someone who is dead. Why torment ourselves over the apology that we know will never come?
“It’s always easier to offer a sincere apology for small things than for serious transgressions,” wrote
Harriet Lerner in Psychology Today.
“If you’re waiting for an apology from the person who harmed you, don’t hold your breath. You can move forward in your life with optimism and hope without it.”
Waiting for an apology that never comes is like renting a room in Victim Land. What is wrong in my life? … Well … it’s someone else’s fault. And that person won’t even apologize for it.
Times like this can be helped by prayer. I love
Psalm 34:18:
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
2. Whose love do I want?
Wanting someone’s love and not receiving it is painful. It also dooms us to frustration. It’s common in families where children are raised by someone besides their biological parents. They may appreciate those parents, but they want the love of someone “who gave me up.”
I talked to a good friend who is a psychologist. She said many of her clients have people around them who do love them. But they want someone else, usually a biological connection. In the process, they miss the blessing of the people who are in their life.
Psalm 68: 5-6:
“A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families. He leads out the prisoners with singing … ”
I love the line, “God sets the lonely in families.”
Roberta and I have several members of what we call our “Psalm 68 family.” They are of different races. None are connected to us biologically. But God brought us together, and we are closer to them than many members of our biological families.
It’s very clear in scripture that God doesn’t limit “family” to the biological connection.
3. Why let someone else’s mood dictate my state of mind?
This also can fall under the heading of, “Whom am I trying to please?”
In a Psychology Today article,
Dr. Sherry Pagoto wrote
that people-pleasing is driven by “the underlying feeling that, ‘
If I don’t do everything I can to make this person happy, they might leave or stop caring for me.’
Fear of rejection can come from early relationships in which love was conditional or in which you were rejected/abandoned by an important person in your life.”
She also wrote that People Pleasers tend to be in poor health and often have weight problems. They feel guilty if they actually take time to take care of themselves. Their sense of worth comes from pleasing others. That can make them an easy target for those who know how to selfishly use others.
Cavs President Koby Altman said he once had a coach who said many players (and people) are either “fountains” or “drains.” He said he wanted fountains on his team, fountains as friends. They refresh us.
But People Pleasers often are drawn to drains.
4. Am I letting a troubled child mess up my family?
This doesn’t simply apply to young children. It’s very common in a family where the parents are middle-aged or even elderly. The parent focuses on the adult child’s problems.
In the meantime, the other children, “the good kids,” feel neglected. They resent the troubled sibling, and the parent who puts so much energy into “fixing” that kid.
The parents sometimes assume the “good kids” don’t need attention and encouragement because they are doing well. It’s a big mistake leading to a lot of family mess that can easily be avoided by looking at the bigger picture of the family.
